It strikes me that I might come across a bit negative - both in person and in this blog. I discovered something recently, though, that sheds a little light on why that may be. According to the "Personality Plus" lady, Florence Littauer, I'm have a melancholy personality. Now I'm not going to say that this woman is right about everything personality - related (for instance she says we are born with our personality and I have it on the expert authority of my mother, who also majored in psychology, that I was a sanguine child), but she seems to be very accurate on a lot of different specifics. I feel like I understand people's actions in general much better after reading the "Personality Plus for Parents" book. I still am not totally sure which categories my children fall into - mostly because the twins seem to swap personality traits every few weeks.
But now I understand that I'm not being negative, really, I'm just striving for perfection in everything. Some people would come to my house and say "she can't possibly be a perfectionist" because my house, while mostly clean and tidy, falls very short of being perfectly in order. However, my idea of a perfect home is not a sterile, decorator environment. I want a clean home, but also a comfortable one. I only get cranky when we go out of the house and leave it in a state of disarray or when I have to wake up to a mess - not when the house gets untidy through the day. So, perfection has different meanings for different perfectionists.
I first noticed this perfectionist tendency in college when I would get very, very disallusioned when I discovered the human side of any professor or even student leader. I asked myself, "why am I so shocked to find out that all people make mistakes??" I guess each time I had thought I had found the 'perfect' person and had placed them up on my little pedistal: "the perfect German professor," "the perfect band director"," the perfect section leader", etc. Even today, when I have firmly impressed on my mind that all people will slip up every once in awhile, I still catch myself feeling sad when people I love and respect make even little mistakes.
And, of course, I'm hardest on myself. That's probably why I find parenting to be SO hard. I just can't be perfect at it. The more I fail, the more frustrated I get - and when I get frustrated I do an even worse job. Some days I do better - but I never have a perfect day. Three year olds never, ever let up, and they sense all moments of weakness. 'Mom is on the phone, let's climb into our doll house or pull it down and stand on it....etc'. I feel like such a horrible fake when I look down and smile at my happy baby just seconds after I have hollered at and/or spanked and/or put in the corner one of the twins. But I digress into the black hole of struggles with three year olds.
The 'Personality' lady says that melancholies need to work on not expecting perfection from everyone/thing. So far I feel like I've been doing a lot better at thinking people are great dispite their imperfections - even loving them because of them - or especially because they can admit them. My mom trained me to look for the good in all situations and people and I think that helps. But I just cannot figure out how to give myself a break. I know that I would be a better parent if I could cut myself a little slack - not because I need to care less about how my children are raised - but because I can't perform well under this amount of pressure.
One of the sermons series we had at church a while back was on parenting/discipline (that's where I got the Personality Plus book in the first place). I only heard bits and pieces because I was out with the baby, but one thing that I heard really stuck with me. They said we can't and aren't supposed to raise perfect kids. We don't have to raise kids that will be successful etc - our ONLY responsibility is to lead our children always toward Christ. Teaching them what they need to know so when the time comes they will hopefully make the choice to follow Him, to dedicate their lives to Him and His purpose. That is such a huge responsibility!! Yet it also takes a lot of weight of my shoulders - my kids don't have to be perfectly behaved in the library. If they are the ones having breakdowns at all the birthday parties, it's ok. I just need to calm them and love them - not freak out that everyone thinks I have raised hysterical children. And I keep reminding myself over, and over, and over, and over that God gave me these children because he thought I was the right mom for them and as long as I am following Him - I will be able to do a 'perfect' job at raising them.
